Hey guys!

I will post here occasionally.
For the most part I shall be here:

http://ohmymermaid.tumblr.com/
http://ahumans-behaviour.xanga.com/

:)

Naboooo!

With these feet I trudge onward.

I'm crazy. Out of my mind and element. Boredom has taken over. I'm searching, searching, and searching for something to occupy my mind and my hands, but have found nothing. I need and want to order my Ap books right now, but my dad wants to wait until the holiday noise subsides. I'm coming to find that reading is the only thing that passes the time with joy.



--Megan

When in Bumfuck, Egypyt..

Do as the bumfucks do.

Why do I use this term? Well... My dear friends Jenna and Billie use it. Clever, witty, and comical. I love my friends.

MMM. Lemon tea. Weird yet essential. My addiction grows with power. Lately I've traded food for coffee and tea. The pattern is two cups of tea and one cup of coffee, only today it was the opposite. Life isn't about the drama, sex, or infinite moments. It's about the damn tea. :) Only teasing. It's sex.

I'm starting to get over my whole 'lost' complex. Life is life. Live it. Have fun, try everything, and never forget to laugh. Never spend time being bitching (unless your with your select few. It tends to fire up the conversation and form bridges, and quite possibly strengthen morals.)

Hopefully tonight will be filled with warm, rainy goodness. Staying up to watch The Boosh. Finally.... British humor usurps American humor ten fold.


Question:
What movie changed your life greatly?


--Megan

Once there lived a girl.

Life confuses me greatly. Especially now. I thought I had myself figured out. Only now I feel as if I have completed an odd 134 degree rotation. I hate being categorized as an astoundingly immature teenager. I know I'm 'supposed' to feel on top of the world and then knocked down in two seconds flat, but to be frank I do not feel I fit into that slot. Escaping it all will not solve anything. I will still be the broken shell of a human being. Who needs therapy when they analyze themselves to the point of despair. I am stuck. I need a trip. I need to be alone. I want to soar.

This builing smells so familar.

Today, today I am a senior in high school.
To be quite honest... I'm not sure how to handle this feeling.
For the most part, or the dominant emotion in this whole conundrum would be the want and urge to get out of my current surroundings. I feel my own confusion, awkwardness, and anxiousness will lessen when I venture out into a new environment in which no one really knows me. I hate feeling awkward, shy, and odd around people. I'm not sure what to do. The only people I seem to be myself around are my friends and family, but still... why can I not act 'normal' around others.

The recessive side of the ordeal would be the fact that I will no longer have these 'good years' ever again. You dream of your high school graduation and such your entire life, but now that it's here.. I feel unprepared, or perhaps perplexed.

For right now I'm standing still. I want to work on myself. Life is beginning. I have a lot of things to sort. I need to be alone. Alone on an island where I can think, listen, and most of all day dream. I haven't day dreamed in almost 9 months. I miss my old self. I want to know her again.

--Megan

Where no one knows my name.

So lately I've felt a bit.. progressive. I am working forward, and trying my hardest at everything I pursue. With this being said, I must say I've become a tad (more so) with my personality/study habits. I find myself studying like mad, obsessing, and anxious for my exams. Generally, I try to not possess these characteristics, for characteristic one and two inflame the third to the max. Eh. Whatever. My main reason for all of this non-sense is self under appreciation. I find myself struggling to prove to myself that I am superior to that of my high school peers. I hope when I venture off to college I will be capable of living a carefree, quiteish life without the pressure of living up to those I have known all of my life. Eh.. Who am I to write this massive paragraph. I really know nothing.... or so it might appear.

I wish I was 24.

Song of the hour:
"Sam Malone" by City and Colour.

--Megan

I will always live near the slaughterhouse.

Fuck the damned. I do not care anymore.
Fuck the damned. I've given up.
Fuck the damned. I grow weary.
Fuck the damned. And go to hell.

If you give me a rhyme then I will give you a riddle.

Lately life has been one problem after the other. Money, grades, self image, etc. I've grown tired of it all. All I truly want is to be happy with myself and my decisions. So from now on I am leaving all of the past behind. I was a stupid freshman and sophomore. Now I will continue to do my best. Colleges will look and my classes and grades and be happy. I am a wonderful person.

Within this last epiphany, I have made some startling discoveries. Georgia State University, all along, has been my type of institution. I used to think, "Maybe I will go there for my masters..." No! That is the place for me. Their music department is outstanding. I want so badly to be apart of it. Besides, my uncle lives in the city and went to GSU Law School. I will get closer to him like I have always wished for.

I've stopped being so hard on my body. I am beautiful. I know. I just have to quit comparing myself to other girls.

Thankfully I have lost a lot of my animosity. I like being happy again.

Well there's a recap of the past month. :)

--Megan

Unbelievable.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. That is all I can say right now. This is unbelievable. You think about it occasionally, but never think that it could ever happen to yourself or someone you know.

These feelings.

So it has been about two weeks since I started this whole healthy diet. No throwing up or starving myself, just good, regular size portions and exercise. I'm feeling a lot better, but I'm wondering if I will ever be the ideal me. I mean I can do this to myself for as long as I want to, but will I ever be completely satisfied with myself? I want to be. I really do. I've lost seven pounds so far. Yay me? Why do I not feel better? I mean at times I will feel so relieved, but then something will happen in a second to fuck up that entire good feeling. Like today for instance, I felt skinny, wonderful, BEAUTIFUL, but then at the end of the school day, Billie and I are playing around on the Mac photobooth and I begin to become disgusted. The entire time I felt so fat and so ugly. I want to feel better. I want to be beautiful and NORMAL. This entire thing is taking a toll on me. I feel it starting to weaken my relationship with Jacob. I feel that if I were at a "perfect" size I would feel more comfortable around him. I just feel like he deserves a skinnier, prettier girl. I'm so lost with my life right now. I'm striving for perfection that I know is unreachable. I want out of this hell hole.