These feelings.

So it has been about two weeks since I started this whole healthy diet. No throwing up or starving myself, just good, regular size portions and exercise. I'm feeling a lot better, but I'm wondering if I will ever be the ideal me. I mean I can do this to myself for as long as I want to, but will I ever be completely satisfied with myself? I want to be. I really do. I've lost seven pounds so far. Yay me? Why do I not feel better? I mean at times I will feel so relieved, but then something will happen in a second to fuck up that entire good feeling. Like today for instance, I felt skinny, wonderful, BEAUTIFUL, but then at the end of the school day, Billie and I are playing around on the Mac photobooth and I begin to become disgusted. The entire time I felt so fat and so ugly. I want to feel better. I want to be beautiful and NORMAL. This entire thing is taking a toll on me. I feel it starting to weaken my relationship with Jacob. I feel that if I were at a "perfect" size I would feel more comfortable around him. I just feel like he deserves a skinnier, prettier girl. I'm so lost with my life right now. I'm striving for perfection that I know is unreachable. I want out of this hell hole.