Unbelievable.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. That is all I can say right now. This is unbelievable. You think about it occasionally, but never think that it could ever happen to yourself or someone you know.

These feelings.

So it has been about two weeks since I started this whole healthy diet. No throwing up or starving myself, just good, regular size portions and exercise. I'm feeling a lot better, but I'm wondering if I will ever be the ideal me. I mean I can do this to myself for as long as I want to, but will I ever be completely satisfied with myself? I want to be. I really do. I've lost seven pounds so far. Yay me? Why do I not feel better? I mean at times I will feel so relieved, but then something will happen in a second to fuck up that entire good feeling. Like today for instance, I felt skinny, wonderful, BEAUTIFUL, but then at the end of the school day, Billie and I are playing around on the Mac photobooth and I begin to become disgusted. The entire time I felt so fat and so ugly. I want to feel better. I want to be beautiful and NORMAL. This entire thing is taking a toll on me. I feel it starting to weaken my relationship with Jacob. I feel that if I were at a "perfect" size I would feel more comfortable around him. I just feel like he deserves a skinnier, prettier girl. I'm so lost with my life right now. I'm striving for perfection that I know is unreachable. I want out of this hell hole.